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    Twelfth Night or What You Will

    by William Shakespeare
    MFFE script v5.10 CloudReader v1.05
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  • Act One Scene Five

    A1S4>>> be his wife.
    Enter Maria and Feste.
    A1S4--- be his wife.
    Maria.
    Nay, either tell me where thou hast been, or I will not open my lips so wide as a bristle may enter, in way of thy excuse: my Lady will hang thee for thy absence.
    --- for thy absence.
    Feste.
    Let her hang me: he that is well hanged in this world needs to fear no colours.
    --- fear no colours.
    Maria.
    Make that good.
    --- Make that good.
    Feste.
    He shall see none to fear.
    --- none to fear.
    Maria.
    A good lenten answer. I can tell thee where that saying was born, of "I fear no colours".
    --- fear no colours.
    Feste.
    Where, good mistress Mary?
    --- good mistress Mary?
    Maria.
    In the wars, and that may you be bold to say in your foolery.
    --- in your foolery.
    Feste.
    Well, God give them wisdom that have it; and those that are fools, let them use their talents.
    --- use their talents.
    Maria.
    Yet you will be hanged for being so long absent; or to be turned away - is not that as good as a hanging to you?
    --- hanging to you?
    Feste.
    Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage: and for turning away, let summer bear it out.
    --- bear it out.
    Maria.
    You are resolute then?
    --- are resolute then?
    Feste.
    Not so neither, but I am resolved on two points.
    --- on two points.
    Maria.
    That if one break the other will hold: or if both break, your gaskins fall.
    --- your gaskins fall.
    Feste.
    Apt, in good faith, very apt. Well, go thy way: if Sir Toby would leave drinking, thou wert as witty a piece of Eve's flesh as any in Illyria.
    --- any in Illyria.
    Maria.
    Peace, you rogue, no more o'that. Here comes my Lady: make your excuse wisely, you were best.
    >>> you were best.
    Enter Lady Olivia, with Malvolio.
    --- you were best.
    Feste.
    Wit, an't be thy will, put me into good fooling! Those wits that think they have thee, do very oft prove fools: and I that am sure I lack thee, may pass for a wise man. For what says Quinapalus? "Better a witty fool than a foolish wit." God bless thee, Lady!
    --- bless thee Lady!
    Olivia.
    Take the fool away.
    --- the fool away.
    Feste.
    Do you not hear, fellows? Take away the Lady.
    --- away the Lady.
    Olivia.
    Go to, y'are a dry fool: I'll no more of you. Besides ,you grow dishonest.
    --- you grow dishonest.
    Feste.
    Two faults, Madonna, that drink and good counsel will amend: for give the dry fool drink, then is the fool not dry: bid the dishonest man mend himself, if he mend, he is no longer dishonest; if he cannot, let the Botcher mend him. Anything that's mended is but patched: virtue that transgresses is but patched with sin, and sin that amends is but patched with virtue. If that this simple Syllogism will serve, so: if it will not, what remedy? As there is no true Cuckold but calamity, so beauty's a flower. The Lady bade take away the fool, therefore I say again, take her away.
    --- take her away.
    Olivia.
    Sir, I bade them take away you.
    --- take away you.
    Feste.
    Misprision in the highest degree! Lady,cucullus non facit monachum: that's as much to say, as I wear not motley in my brain. Good Madonna, give me leave to prove you a fool.
    --- you a fool.
    Olivia.
    Can you do it?
    --- you do it?
    Feste.
    Dexteriously, good Madonna.
    --- Dexteriously, good Madonna.
    Olivia.
    Make your proof.
    --- Make your proof.
    Feste.
    I must catechize you for it, Madonna. Good my Mouse of virtue, answer me.
    --- virtue, answer me.
    Olivia.
    Well, sir, for want of other idleness, I'll bide your proof.
    --- bide your proof.
    Feste.
    Good Madonna, why mournst thou?
    --- why mournst thou?
    Olivia.
    Good fool, for my brother's death.
    --- my brother's death.
    Feste.
    I think his soul is in hell, Madonna.
    --- in hell, Madonna.
    Olivia.
    I know his soul is in heaven, fool.
    --- in heaven, fool.
    Feste.
    The more fool, Madonna, to mourn for your Brother's soul, being in heaven. Take away the Fool, Gentlemen.
    --- the Fool, Gentlemen.
    Olivia.
    What think you of this fool Malvolio, doth he not mend?
    --- he not mend?
    Malvolio.
    Yes, and shall do, till the pangs of death shake him. Infirmity that decays the wise, doth ever make the better fool.
    --- the better fool.
    Feste.
    God send you, sir, a speedy Infirmity, for the better increasing your folly! Sir Toby will be sworn that I am no Fox, but he will not pass his word for twopence that you are no Fool.
    --- are no Fool.
    Olivia.
    How say you to that, Malvolio?
    --- to that Malvolio?
    Malvolio.
    I marvel your Ladyship takes delight in such a barren rascal: I saw him put down the other day with an ordinary fool, that has no more brain than a stone. Look you now, he's out of his guard already: unless you laugh and minister occasion to him, he is gagged. I protest I take these Wisemen, that crow so at these set kind of fools, no better than the fools' Zanies.
    --- the fools' Zanies.
    Olivia.
    O, you are sick of self-love, Malvolio, and taste with a distempered appetite. To be generous, guiltless, and of free disposition, is to take those things for Bird-bolts that you deem Cannon bullets. There is no slander in an allowed fool though he do nothing but rail; nor no railing in a known discreet man though he do nothing but reprove.
    --- nothing but reprove.
    Feste.
    Now Mercury endue thee with leasing, for thou speak'st well of fools.
    >>> well of fools.
    Enter Maria.
    --- well of fools.
    Maria.
    Madam, there is at the gate a young Gentleman much desires to speak with you.
    --- speak with you.
    Olivia.
    From the Count Orsino, is it?
    --- Orsino, is it?
    Maria.
    I know not, Madam: 'tis a fair young man, and well attended.
    --- and well attended.
    Olivia.
    Who of my people hold him in delay?
    --- him in delay?
    Maria.
    Sir Toby, Madam, your kinsman.
    --- Madam, your kinsman.
    Olivia.
    Fetch him off, I pray you: he speaks nothing but madman. Fie on him. Go you, Malvolio. If it be a suit from the Count, I am sick, or not at home. What you will to dismiss it.
    >>> to dismiss it.
    Exit Malvolio.
    Now you see, sir, how your fooling grows old, and people dislike it
    --- people dislike it
    Feste.
    Thou hast spoke for us, Madonna, as if thy eldest son should be a fool,whose skull Jove cram with brains, for here comes
    >>> here he comes.
    Enter Sir Toby.
    one of thy kin has a most weak Pia-mater.
    --- most weak Pia-mater.
    Olivia.
    By mine honour, half drunk. What is he at the gate, Cousin?
    --- the gate, Cousin?
    Sir Toby.
    A Gentleman.
    --- A Gentleman.
    Olivia.
    A Gentleman? What Gentleman?
    --- Gentleman? What Gentleman?
    Sir Toby.
    'Tis a Gentleman here. A plague o'these pickled herring! How now, Sot?
    --- How now, Sot?
    Feste.
    Good Sir Toby!
    --- Good Sir Toby!
    Olivia.
    Cousin, Cousin, how have you come so early by this Lethargy?
    --- by this Lethargy?
    Sir Toby.
    Lechery? I defy Lechery. There's one at the gate.
    --- at the gate.
    Olivia.
    Ay, marry, what is he?
    --- what is he?
    Sir Toby.
    Let him be the devil and he will, I care not: give me faith, say I. Well, it's all one.
    >>> it's all one.
    Exit Sir Toby.
    --- it's all one.
    Olivia.
    What's a drunken man like, fool?
    --- man like, fool?
    Feste.
    Like a drowned man, a fool and a madman: one draught above heat makes him a fool, the second mads him, and a third drowns him.
    --- third drowns him.
    Olivia.
    Go thou and seek the Crowner, and let him sit o'my Coz: for he's in the third degree of drink; he's drowned. Go look after him.
    --- look after him.
    Feste.
    He is but mad yet, Madonna, and the fool shall look to the madman.
    >>> to the madman.
    Enter Malvolio.
    --- to the madman.
    Malvolio.
    Madam, yon young fellow swears he will speak with you. I told him you were sick; he takes on him to understand so much, and therefore comes to speak with you. I told him you were asleep; he seems to have a foreknowledge of that too, and therefore comes to speak with you. What is to be said to him, Lady? He's fortified against any denial.
    --- against any denial.
    Olivia.
    Tell him, he shall not speak with me.
    --- speak with me.
    Malvolio.
    'Has been told so: and he says he'll stand at your door like a Sheriff's post, and be the supporter to a bench, but he'll speak with you.
    --- speak with you.
    Olivia.
    What kind o'man is he?
    --- o'man is he?
    Malvolio.
    Why, of mankind.
    --- Why of mankind.
    Olivia.
    What manner of man?
    --- manner of man?
    Malvolio.
    Of very ill manner: he'll speak with you, will you or no.
    --- you, or no.
    Olivia.
    Of what personage, and years is he?
    --- years is he?
    Malvolio.
    Not yet old enough for a man, nor young enough for a boy: as a squash is before 'tis a peascod, or a Codling when 'tis almost an Apple. 'Tis with him in standing water, between boy and man. He is very well-favoured, and he speaks very shrewishly. One would think his mother's milk were scarce out of him.
    --- out of him.
    Olivia.
    Let him approach. Call in my Gentlewoman.
    --- in my Gentlewoman.
    Malvolio.
    Gentlewoman, my Lady calls.
    >>> my Lady calls.
    Exit Malvolio.
    Enter Maria.
    --- my Lady calls.
    Olivia.
    Give me my veil: come, throw it o'er my face. We'll once more hear Orsino's Embassy.
    >>> hear Orsino's Embassy.
    Enter Viola (disguised as Cesario).
    --- hear Orsino's Embassy.
    Viola.
    The honourable Lady of the house, which is she?
    --- which is she?
    Olivia.
    Speak to me, I shall answer for her. Your will?
    --- her. Your will?
    Viola.
    Most radiant, exquisite, and unmatchable beauty - I pray you tell me if this be the Lady of the house, for I never saw her. I would be loath to cast away my speech: for besides that it is excellently well penned, I have taken great pains to con it. Good Beauties, let me sustain no scorn; I am very comptible, even to the least sinister usage.
    --- least sinister usage.
    Olivia.
    Whence came you, sir?
    --- came you, sir?
    Viola.
    I can say little more than I have studied, and that question's out of my part. Good gentle one, give me modest assurance if you be the Lady of the house, that I may proceed in my speech.
    --- in my speech.
    Olivia.
    Are you a Comedian?
    --- you a Comedian?
    Viola.
    No, my profound heart: and yet, by the very fangs of malice I swear, I am not that I play. Are you the Lady of the house?
    --- of the house?
    Olivia.
    If I do not usurp myself, I am.
    --- myself, I am.
    Viola.
    Most certain, if you are she, you do usurp yourself: for what is yours to bestow is not yours to reserve. But this is from my Commission. I will on with my speech in your praise, and then show you the heart of my message.
    --- of my message.
    Olivia.
    Come to what is important in't: I forgive you the praise.
    --- you the praise.
    Viola.
    Alas, I took great pains to study it, and 'tis Poetical.
    --- and 'tis Poetical.
    Olivia.
    It is the more like to be feigned; I pray you keep it in. I heard you were saucy at my gates, and allowed your approach rather to wonder at you than to hear you. If you be mad, be gone: if you have reason, be brief: 'tis not that time of Moon with me to make one in so skipping a dialogue.
    --- skipping a dialogue.
    Maria.
    Will you hoist sail, sir? Here lies your way.
    --- lies your way.
    Viola.
    No, good swabber, I am to hull here a little longer. Some mollification for your Giant, sweet Lady! Tell me your mind, I am a messenger.
    --- am a messenger.
    Olivia.
    Sure you have some hideous matter to deliver when the courtesy of it is so fearful. Speak your office.
    --- Speak your office.
    Viola.
    It alone concerns your ear. I bring no overture of war, no taxation of homage; I hold the Olive in my hand: my words are as full of peace, as matter.
    --- peace, as matter.
    Olivia.
    Yet you began rudely. What are you? What would you?
    --- What would you?
    Viola.
    The rudeness that hath appeared in me have I learned from my entertainment. What I am and what I would, are as secret as maidenhead: to your ears, Divinity; to any other's, profanation.
    --- any others, profanation.
    Olivia.
    Give us the place alone, we will hear this divinity.
    >>> hear this divinity.
    Exeunt Maria and attendants.
    Now sir, what is your text?
    --- is your text?
    Viola.
    Most sweet Lady -
    --- Most sweet Lady -
    Olivia.
    A comfortable doctrine, and much may be said of it. Where lies your Text?
    --- lies your Text?
    Viola.
    In Orsino's bosom.
    --- In Orsino's bosom.
    Olivia.
    In his bosom? In what chapter of his bosom?
    --- of his bosom?
    Viola.
    To answer by the method, in the first of his heart.
    --- of his heart.
    Olivia.
    O, I have read it, it is heresy. Have you no more to say?
    --- more to say?
    Viola.
    Good Madam, let me see your face.
    --- see your face.
    Olivia.
    Have you any Commission from your Lord to negotiate with my face? You are now out of your Text: but we will draw the Curtain and show you the picture. Look you, sir, such a one I was this present. Is't not well done?
    --- not well done?
    Viola.
    Excellently done, if God did all.
    --- God did all.
    Olivia.
    'Tis in grain, sir, 'twill endure wind and weather.
    --- wind and weather.
    Viola.
    'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
    Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on.
    Lady, you are the cruell'st she alive
    If you will lead these graces to the grave
    And leave the world no copy.
    --- world no copy.
    Olivia.
    O sir, I will not be so hard-hearted: I will give out diverse schedules of my beauty. It shall be Inventoried, and every particle and utensil labelled to my will. As, item, two lips indifferent red; item, two grey eyes, with lids to them; item, one neck, one chin, and so forth. Were you sent hither to praise me?
    --- to praise me?
    Viola.
    I see you what you are, you are too proud:
    But if you were the devil you are fair.
    My Lord and master loves you: O, such love
    Could be but recompensed, though you were crowned
    The nonpareil of beauty!
    --- nonpareil of beauty!
    Olivia.
    How does he love me?
    --- he love me?
    Viola.
    With adorations, fertile tears,
    With groans that thunder love, with sighs of fire.
    --- sighs of fire.
    Olivia.
    Your Lord does know my mind, I cannot love him.
    Yet I suppose him virtuous, know him noble,
    Of great estate, of fresh and stainless youth;
    In voices well divulged, free, learn'd, and valiant,
    And in dimension, and the shape of nature,
    A gracious person. But yet I cannot love him:
    He might have took his answer long ago.
    --- answer long ago.
    Viola.
    If I did love you in my master's flame,
    With such a suffering, such a deadly life,
    In your denial I would find no sense,
    I would not understand it.
    --- not understand it.
    Olivia.
    Why, what would you?
    --- what would you?
    Viola.
    Make me a willow Cabin at your gate,
    And call upon my soul within the house;
    Write loyal Cantons of contemned love,
    And sing them loud even in the dead of night;
    Hallow your name to the reverberate hills,
    And make the babbling Gossip of the air
    Cry out "Olivia!" O, you should not rest
    Between the elements of air and earth
    But you should pity me.
    --- should pity me.
    Olivia.
    You might do much.
    What is your Parentage?
    --- is your Parentage?
    Viola.
    Above my fortunes, yet my state is well:
    I am a Gentleman.
    --- am a Gentleman.
    Olivia.
    Get you to your Lord:
    I cannot love him: let him send no more,
    Unless, perchance, you come to me again,
    To tell me how he takes it. Fare you well:
    I thank you for your pains: spend this for me.
    --- this for me.
    Viola.
    I am no fee'd, post, Lady; keep your purse;
    My Master, not myself, lacks recompense.
    Love make his heart of flint that you shall love,
    And let your fervour like my master's be,
    Placed in contempt. Farewell, fair cruelty.
    >>> Farewell fair cruelty.
    Exit Viola
    --- Farewell fair cruelty.
    Olivia.
    What is your Parentage?
    "Above my fortunes, yet my state is well;
    I am a Gentleman." I'll be sworn thou art:
    Thy tongue, thy face, thy limbs, actions and spirit
    Do give thee fivefold blazon. Not too fast: soft! soft!
    Unless the Master were the man. How now?
    Even so quickly may one catch the plague?
    Methinks I feel this youth's perfections
    With an invisible and subtle stealth
    To creep in at mine eyes. Well, let it be.
    What ho, Malvolio!
    >>> What ho, Malvolio!
    Enter Malvolio.
    --- What ho, Malvolio!
    Malvolio.
    Here Madam, at your service.
    --- at your service.
    Olivia.
    Run after that same peevish Messenger
    The Count's man: he left this Ring behind him,
    Would I or not; tell him, I'll none of it.
    Desire him not to flatter with his Lord,
    Nor hold him up with hopes: I am not for him.
    If that the youth will come this way tomorrow,
    I'll give him reasons for't. Hie thee, Malvolio.
    --- hie thee Malvolio.
    Malvolio.
    Madam, I will.
    >>> Madam, I will.
    Exit Malvolio.
    --- Madam, I will.
    Olivia.
    I do I know not what, and fear to find
    Mine eye too great a flatterer for my mind.
    Fate, show thy force, ourselves we do not owe.
    What is decreed, must be: and be this so.
    >>> be this so.
    Exit Olivia
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